Well, here I lie, flat on my back, unable to function due to the excruciating pain that is radiating down my spine and into my SI joint. I haven’t showered in 4 days. Hello, my name is Lori McCabe and I have a bad back. Hmm, a bad back. What does that really mean? I feel like everyone has a bad back these days. It’s even hard for me to have sympathy for them. How bad can it really be? Let me tell you.
19 years ago, when I was just 16, I had surgery to fix a herniated disc. L5, S1 to be exact. For the previous two years before that I had lived with chronic, debilitating pain due to the constant irritation of my sciatic nerve. I saw doctors, therapists and specialists. No one was able to tell me what the problem was. One doctor even thought I was making it up for some sick form of attention. It wasn’t until I had an MRI that it became clear just exactly what I was suffering from. Two weeks after that MRI I was undergoing my discectomy.
Since then, I have been able to live without chronic pain. Well, I should say I have been able to live without chronic, intense pain. I do however live with a back that just refuses to give me peace. It keeps me from picking up my baby daughter in the morning without feeling like my spine is going to separate into two. At its worst, it keeps me home from work for days at a time. A prisoner of my bed, I can only watch the life of my family happening around me.
My most recent set back happened during a tennis match. I knew right away that it wasn’t good. I came home, tucked myself in bed and hoped for the best. The next morning, when it was clear that the damage had been done, my husband, clearly annoyed that he was basically going to be a single parent for the next several days said to me, “Maybe you shouldn’t play tennis anymore”. He went on to remind me how I feel every morning after a night on the courts and that maybe enough is enough.
I then reminded him that I am only 35 years old. I also reminded him that I have hurt my back walking up the stairs before. My back problems have no rhyme or reason. I can play an entire volleyball season and never be laid up. This is the part of having a bad back that seems to confuse non –sufferers. If your back is bad, isn’t it always bad? How can you play sports if you have a bad back? I guess it can’t be that bad then. Yes, it can.
Empathy is a tough thing. If we can’t actually see the pain, physical or emotional, that someone is suffering from, it’s hard to understand that it really exists or that it’s really that bad. I’m not looking for empathy or sympathy, just an understanding that this is something I live with and that when I need support from my family, friends and work it will be there, without judgment because the last thing I need is a pain in the neck.
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