The Best of Me

I am not always proud of the things I think, say or do.  I try and hold myself to high moral standards but I fall dramatically short on a daily basis.  Sometimes I pick up garbage I walk by and sometimes I just look guiltily at it and keep going. Sometimes after I speak with someone who rubs me the wrong way I just keep it to myself and other times I unleash a verbal bashing that could very likely send me straight to hell.  The other morning, on my way into a meeting at ‘head office’ I had a moment that, had it been caught on camera (oh God I hope it wasn’t caught on camera), would confirm that I am a horrible person.

Ok. Let’s go back to that morning. I left the house with about two minutes to spare to get downtown, pick myself up a cup of tea, stop at the bakery for a muffin and get on my way to my out of town meeting. It was raining that morning and for some reason I skipped my rain coat for my wrap – bad move. I arrived at the meeting with exactly two minutes to spare and now all I had to do was walk into the building.

Let me go back to earlier in the morning when I spent a large portion of my getting ready time straightening my hair. Now, when I straighten my hair I expect it to last me three days – no moisture is to come into contact with it and I take great pains to protect it. Why, you may (or may not) be asking yourself did I not wear a raincoat with a hood then? An excellent question to which there is no answer.

Before I got out of the car I took off my wrap and draped it over my head. As I walked around to the passenger door to get my material (a large box) for the meeting and my tea my wrap kept sliding down and covering my eyes.  I had it mostly stabilized when I picked up the box and carefully balanced my tea on top. I had a long way to walk to the front door but I had seen a woman walk to the back of the building which was much closer to my car so I tried to follow her into the building that way.

My walk to those doors must have looked like I was attempting some sort of new-wave martial art while I tried to keep my cloak on my head and my tea on my box. I was lifting my knees, bending my head forward and walking like I was straddling something. It was so awkward and humiliating but I was determined to do it. When I got to the back doors they were of course locked. I used my knee to balance the box again and tried knocking. Wasn’t there anyone to help a woman clearly in distress?

I turned away irritated and headed for the front doors. Seconds later my coat began to slip and I tried desperately to keep it in place without using my unavailable hands. But my moves must have been too abrupt and my tea (that I drove downtown to get) began to slip. There was nothing I could do but watch it fall and explode on the ground. It lay in pieces – cup, lid, tea bag- in a puddle of tea and an actual puddle. This was clearly not my finest hour.

Shamefully, I looked around, pulled my wrap down one more time and said F*** it. That’s right. I just walked away from the mess I had made at my place of employment.  Not to mention how incriminating the garbage was. I might have been one of only two people who drove in from Stratford and I was carrying a cup that was very distinctly from Stratford.  Once I had composed myself in the meeting, I knew I would go back before leaving to clean up my mess. I also thought a photo of the tea cup carnage would make a great visual to go along with the story I knew I was going to write about. I was mortified when I returned and found someone else had already cleaned it up (and let’s face it I was disappointed to lose the visual).

And all of this for my hair - vanity at its worst. Had I seen one of my own children acting the way I did that morning – like an idiot I would have told them to smarten up and give their head a shake. And had I further seen them drop something and just leave it on the ground I would have told them I was ashamed of them and that I had raised them better.

Yes, I have many moments that are less than shining. Moments, that if I were to be judged by, would certainly secure my place in Dante’s inferno and probably cost me most of my friends. But there is more to me than just my worst of me. I can be selfish, difficult, high maintenance and a litter bug for sure but not always and thankfully, our friends, those we can really trust will laugh at worst parts of us because the best of us it worth it.

 This is very close to the way I looked that morning except I was carrying the box balancing my tea and I wasn't smiling.