Coffee Shop Therapy

I came to the coffee shop today to write. It had been far too long since I had opened my computer to do anything other than see what my friends were saying on Facebook and checking the hockey schedule.  I came to be inspired, to be alone and to feel cool – you know, alone in a coffee shop with an open computer kind of cool.

I bumped into a woman I do not know very well and whom I had not seen in years. She lost her husband a while ago and as we waited for our hot beverages she caught me up on where life has taken her.  She too has three children all in their early to mid-twenties now. She met a new man, married him and now lives between Ireland and Toronto keeping in touch with her children via Skype and as many visits as they can manage.

In line, waiting to order my tea, talking with a woman whom I only casually know, I became very emotional. And I do not hide these things well - my eyes instantly red and glistening. It was just so striking how life can change in an instant and its trajectory forever altered. She could have never known, with her young family and her busy life, just what the future had in store for her.  I was struck in that moment how the life I have now, the one I count on, curse and love, may not - will not - be my life forever. It seems like only yesterday her kids were so young – just like mine – and now they have carved out lives of their own. Of course this is what we want for our kids; it just seems sad in a way that these days are destined to slip away. (Oh great, now I am really obviously emotional and alone in a coffee shop. Cool factor - 0, weird factor - 10.)

It seems like only yesterday I was playing doubles against her husband and he has been gone for eight years. The life they had, the one they thought was forever, only a memory. I know first-hand that there are no guarantees. That my own Dad, the one who was going to be the best Grandpa ever, would never hold or know any of his grandchildren.  It seems like only yesterday that I was living with my parents and sisters in a life that I thought was going to go on forever. Where did all those days go? Our memories are tricky because they make every moment feel ‘like it was only yesterday’.

This chance encounter, this reminder that life is precariously in the balance of something far beyond our control offered me a needed moment of reflection. We can’t, we shouldn’t and we won’t ever live our lives appreciating and wallowing in every moment in an attempt to hold onto them.  I experience happiness, frustration, joy and complete annoyance in good balance because I am human not because I do not appreciate my life or take it for granted. 

I cannot imagine my life without Eric. I cannot imagine my life without our three kids all living and fighting and laughing under one roof.  Change is difficult and sometimes it is so gradual we don’t even notice it. Other times, it hits so hard that we are not sure how we will face another day. I was given a glimpse today; a glimpse into a future that may be unrecognizable to me now. Sometimes ignorance really is best and I will keep living like this is the only life I will ever know.  When change comes, whether it creeps up or slaps me in the face, I will deal with it then. For now, I will go home to my family and appreciate the gift that they are and then probably yell at someone.