I wish I could enrol in a parenting course. I need it
desperately. Just when I think I have a
handle on the whole concept, my confidence evaporates and I feel like I have
messed up my children for life. If a
parenting course were to be designed for me in my most current state it might
be called Back off Bitch: How Not to Ruin Your Children’s Bright and Happy
Future with your Constant Overanalyses of Everything they do. Sounds about
perfect.
What they always tell you about being a parent but what you
can never really believe is that it never gets any easier. When I had my first
baby I knew that nothing in the world could be harder than being a first time
mom. And then when I had a toddler and a
baby I knew no one could possibly be busier than me. And now, with three
children and ten years of parenting under my belt, I finally understand what
those people meant.
My son is just about to turn ten. Ten. Wow. I can cry just
thinking about it. Where have the years gone? Looking back, it was so easy when
it was so hard. (Ok, now I’m starting to really get choked up and I’m in a coffee
shop. Get yourself together!) There was
a lot to deal with but it was so uncomplicated. Now, there is texting and girls
and his ability to make his own (sometimes important) decisions. Decisions that
I am not sure are always best. Unfortunately, and the reason for a needed
parenting course, I don’t always know what is best. I don’t know when it is okay to let him figure
things out on his own and fail and when I really need to intervene. And maybe
his choices that I so do not
understand make perfect sense to him. It is a precarious position between
over-parenting and under-parenting. (Oh great, now there’s a little four year
old boy with a pretend helmet on excited for Halloween and I’m sitting here
missing my little four year old boy and the tears are really coming.)
Our dreams for our children and the visions we have of
ourselves as parents are so grand in the beginning. Then there is reality. When
they are small it feels as though you have their whole life to mold them and
teach them and model what it means to be a good human being. And then all of a sudden they have turned
into actual little grown up people and you realize how messy (literally and
figuratively) it has been along the way and you’re not sure if you did any of
it right.
It is just so hard sometimes; and so beautiful at the same
time. We are meant to raise our kids to become who they were meant to be. To
nurture their little souls with the knowledge that one day they will not need
us. But the transition is not easy. It is marked with uncertainty and
doubt. And while preparing them to grow
their proverbial wings we sometimes want to clip them so our children will not
fly too fast too soon.
All we can do is our best. Even if some days my best looks
like a crazy person has been left in charge. I have to accept that I won’t
always know what to do or say and that sometimes I am going to get it wrong,
way wrong. It is hard to let our children grow up. It is also amazing and
wonderful. It is a poignant moment when you realize your children are not actually yours. They belong to themselves and we have but a short time to prepare them for their journey. No one said it would be easy
and they were right. Everyone said these will be the best days of my life and,
they too, were right.
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