Saying Goodbye

I have never been good at saying goodbye. When my grandparents sold their farm, one of my favourite places on earth, I chose not to attend the final family gathering; and therefore never had an ‘official’ last visit. The same thing when my mom sold the house I grew up in. I chose not to go back one last time to say goodbye. I just couldn’t face the finality of it.  But I was not going to be able to avoid saying goodbye to Lucas. Lucas, our Brazilian son, who lived with us for five short months.

We will miss Lucas’s laughter and quiet awesomeness. We will (actually) miss taking him to all of his practices and games and to the gym for his  marathon workouts. We will miss his wrestling with Nicholas and their cuddles. We will miss the laughter and joy he brought to our home and our lives just by being here.  Sometimes goodbye is so huge. And even in this age it feels so final. He was a part of our family - dirty clothes on the ground and all - and his leaving has left a void that will only dull with time.

The day he was set to leave was emotional. Both Eric and I found ourselves teary eyed and weepy all day. There were calls from friends and sad goodbyes from his 10 year old buddies. As we pulled out of the driveway the gravity of watching our house disappear was too much and Lucas wept. The rest of the short drive to the bus was silent - which is the first time since having children we have ever had a silent car ride. We all cried as we waved goodbye to him as the bus pulled away and walked to our car a smaller and changed family.

When we got home we all ended up in his bedroom; the place where we could feel closest to him. We all cried and we weren’t embarrassed or trying to hide it. I allowed myself to feel the void that his absence had created.  And I was ok with my kids seeing me cry - a lot.

While Lucas was so real to us, it won’t be long before this experience and his presence in our lives become just a memory.  I wonder what will Chloe remember? At three, her relationship with Lucas will be relegated to the pictures in an album and stories we share with her. Mia will remember more. And she will take with her something from this that she will learn about in little ways as the years pass. For Nicholas, the impact was the greatest and he will remember the most about his time with his Brazilian brother (like learning what 4/20 is).

It’s interesting how our lives have a way of evaporating into the past.  All the moments we take for granted, the daily routines that are what make up most of our lives and even the special moments we think we’ll never forget - it all just becomes part of our blurred past.  What won’t leave us from this experience is the affirmation that being open to something different can mean something wonderful. It hurts to have lost Lucas but it was certainly worth it.

Maybe, hopefully, we will see Lucas again. Eric and Nicholas hope it is in Brazil during Carnival (with lots of half-naked women). Wishful thinking.