How are you? Terrible actually, and you?

How are you? We ask this question all the time. It is the English language’s equivalent to scratching an itch. You have an itch, you scratch it. You see a human, you say hi, how are you? It is an automated question for most of us; just like its response - good thanks, how are you? How the heck else would we begin a conversation with people? 

We also ask how are you? in a compassionate way to people who are going through a difficult time like a break-up, a divorce, an illness, a death or some other kind of loss. What kind of jerk would a person have to be to not ask a person suffering how they are? Well, now that it’s in writing it seems a little less…compassionate, doesn’t it?

I am confident in saying that when people are going through a tough time the LAST thing they want is every person they bump into asking them how they are. Would you like a little salt with that wound?  The recipient of such an unfortunate question really only has three options to respond with: lie and say they are fine, thanks with a forced smile; give you the sordid details of their suffering only to have to tell it all over to the next person who asks them how they are; or say I’m shit actually and walk away.

How many times have I done this in my life? I just did it yesterday.  What kind of answer did I expect? What kind of answer do we ever expect? We are trying to be kind but instead we are just inflicting a little bit more discomfort to an already unfortunate situation. Haven’t we all been in a situation where we have dreaded someone asking us how we are? Do I want to ask my newly divorced staff member how he is? Am I prepared to have a grown man crying in my arms? Of course I’m not. 

How are you? is actually a deeply personal question when asked of someone struggling. It should be reserved for the ones most closest to us. The ones we can actually be honest with, cry with, yell at, curse in front of and even curse at. The rest of us, most of us, don’t have the right to this information.

There is a better way to show we care.  It will just take a lot of practice to override that automated response we always default to. Here are some things we can say to people when we want them to know we care:

Hey. I’m thinking about you. Let me know if you need anything.

It’s nice to see you out. I hope you’re doing okay.

Welcome back. It’s great to see you. We’ve missed you.

Well, that’s all I’ve got right now but at least it’s a start. How could I have been such a jerk all this time?  Challenge yourself to abandon asking the dreaded how are you? to a person who would rather stick a fork through their hand than answer that well-intentioned yet super annoying and insensitive question.